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I used to live in San Francisco. Occasionally, when I tell Arizonians this fact, I get a raised eyebrow and “what made you move out here?” I usually give them my explanation in the form of a short story: it got too expensive to raise children in the Bay Area, I got tired of struggling just to make ends meet, too many homeless and litter and crowds. And the freakin’ fog! Sheesh! We never saw the sun.

But the truth is, I was drawn to something here. I was pulled, not pushed.

You notice I say “I” and not “we”? Willey fought the move every bit of the way. He loved the city where he was born and raised. He enjoyed the jacket weather, the fog, the coffee shops and action. He didn’t want to leave his friends, his family. I had no real attachments. I only miss my writing group (go Kicking Muses!) and SFSU. I had my fun, riding the J Church, grabbing coffee at Martha’s on 24th Street, dreaming at the pier, watching the waves go out, and come back in again. I had worked in high rises in San Francisco, heard the horror story of a crane that went down just across the street and killed a woman in her car, right across the street from my posh office. As a recent college graduate, the City was heaven: art galleries, bars, and boutiques dotted the City throughout. San Francisco is a 7 by 7 mile square. One can easily walk from one end to the other early Saturday morning, starting from the Pacific Ocean and having lunch downtown. I fell in love with the artistic energy of the City. Armed with a desire to make movies, I interned for an independent film. I watched actors prepare for their scenes and then deliver them. I made several short-short films and attended International Film Festivals. It was a dream come true for a “me” generation person in her youth.

But Josie was born and 16 months later, Ava came along. I had to carry a stroller, diaper bag, snacks and two children everywhere I went.

• Parking was always a 20 minute endeavor, minimum. Then, after finding parking (at the grocery store, the mall, the doctor’s office), I had to lug all of that to the door and then open the door without help.
• Couped up in the house, I’d bundle the girls and put them in the double stroller, leash the dog and go for a walk. Neighbors, seeing us walk by their yards, would raise the windows and yell, “don’t let your dog pee in my yard!” And then slam the window down.
• Taking the girls to Golden Gate Park one day, we stumbled upon a used hypodermic needle in the sand box!
• Fog, fog, fog and then….more fog.
  
• Willey left our garage door open one day and within 20 minutes, someone had entered our garage and stolen several of his tools and his bike. All this was done in broad daylight.

Sounds trite to allow this to bother you, I know, but when your day is spent trying to find parking and doing mundane things AGAINST the flow, well, life just sucks. There just had to be an easier way, a more enjoyable way of living!

One day, wearing my fleece jacket, fleece pants and socks in our drafty kitchen, I read an article in the SF Chronicle about Gilbert, AZ. It was one of the most popular new destinations for young families:

• New homes twice the size of our SF home, half or even one-third the price;
• Great schools;
• Sun, sun, sun!
• Dog parks everywhere and,
• Low-cost living.

It was just what I wanted. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was working part-time at SFSU and gearing up to go back to work teaching elementary school full-time. I was battling SFUSD who kept losing parts of my files, ( little things, like  my fingerprint card, letters of recommendation and transcripts). I informed Willey about this new place. He couldn’t see us in Arizona: too hot, flat, boring and void of culture. I answered, “let’s just look.” So we packed the girls up and took a flight out. Willey and I couldn’t agree on any homes in Gilbert. I liked this one, he didn’t. He liked one and I didn’t. Our real estate agent, a gorgeous, tall, pixie blonde named Goska, suggested Mesa. “It’s full of natural beauty.” We saw a home butted up against some “mountains” (OK, maybe very tall hills is more accurate). The sun was coming down, leaving the sky a hot pink, orange and yellow. It was stunning. When the sun left, a curtain of black laced with stars surrounded us. Willey and I agreed, this was gorgeous. We loved it. Our SF home was up for sale that week. It sold within two. We put an offer on the Boulder Mountain house and the rest is history.  

This weekend, I went to the Breadsmith in Las Sendas and purchased bread made from scratch that morning. As I left the store with warm bread in hand,  I noticed a bicycle leaning against the building. I smiled, knowing that the owner would find it still there upon his return.

Sibling Rivalry

Gave the girls a lecture about “thankfulness, gratitude and hard work.”  Told them they are lucky to have three meals a day, nice clothes and all the toys they could ever want.  Their faces grow long. They look down at the floor.

“And another thing, you guys have a DOG! Look at how many of your friends whine endlessly that they want a dog! And you don’t take her out and play fetch and you don’t pick up her poop. You are old enough to pick up her poop now. Definitely old enough.”

Josie runs to get plastic bags and actually starts picking up the dehydrated piles in the backyard, smiling.

Ava pouts and puts both elbows on the kitchen counter. “Mom, no fair! She beat me to it!”

I reply, “how about she gets the front yard, and you get the backyard.”

“Noooooo! There’s a lot more in the backyard than in the front!” She cries out in tears.

I smile inwardly. Sibling rivalry knows no bounds.

Josie’s Turn

I knocked on Josephine’s door. I could hear the girls playing. I braced myself for a scene reminiscent of a tornado aftermath  in the midwest. “Hi!” Josie grins. “We’re playing friends and pretending Ava just broke her leg.” Ava smiles from the bed, her left leg propped on a pillow. She waves.

As I help Ava practice violin, Josie likes to (occasionally) type something on my laptop. Here’s Josie’s “story” thus far:

Hi my name is Josephine but you can call me Josie if you want. My nick name is evil princess because I’m evil and I’m a princess to. Named latte. He is very cute. I have a little sister she is named Ava. I love her. And I have a mom and dad. I have a dog she is named Maggie. She is 8 years of age. I live in Boulder Mountain. My friends are Brooke, Megan, and my best friend is Ava. My only sister I love so much. We get in fits but we get back together as soon as possible. Today is October 26, 2009. And the time is 7:44 .P.M. very late time for my bed time.

I like to read books play games like freeze tag and other silly games with my friends. And on Wednesday I have Violin which is a type of instrument.

My grandma is coming today. I AM THRILD TO DAETH TO SEE MY GRANDMA!       We are going to have so much fun! We are going to pay hide and seek and play all sorts of stuff. She is leaving on Sunday which is the sad part. She will be coming any second now just wait. My dog Maggie barfed on the floor I now it’s not pleasing but she did. And another thing today is that a girl named Maggie she said brat do you think I’m a brat I hope not. Well what can I say she is a brat.

Let the Kid Speak

My daughter Ava has been wanting to type her own story, while I give her sister Josie violin help. Next week, Josie’s story….Here’s Ava in her own words without any help from me:

I am 6 years old. The date is 2009. I am in 1 grade. My teacher is Mrs. Jurkowski . who is your techer. My name is Ava. What is your name. I have many friends, their names are Brenna Sidney Sam Abagail Katie and that’s all. You guys can read a lot . I can play the violin. Can you. My birthday is May 23. When is yours. I have 1 sister her name is Josephine she is 7 years old. I was born in 2003. What year were you born in. I don’t know I only know min I don’t even who you are . you don’t know me do you?

This story I spechel. That’s 1 of my seckrets. What is your secret? I don’t know. I aspechily don’t know your secret. How meny people are in your family? I have a lepord geico at home Im at home now typing where are you? I like to make storys. My mom is making a story I think its called… I Do not know acsacly what it is called.
All I know is that shes making a story. And im in it! I am so eksided. I think im going to be great. Don’t you? Well I do … and im going to be a little girl my name is going to be Anna. Well you like it? Hope so. I want to ask you something do you like getting your face painted?

Today is Thursday. Today my grandmother will come. Do you like when your grandmother is coming? And she will go thrik or threeting. I am going to be a salit shaker. And Josie is going to be a pepper shaker. We are making our cotooms! Are you? I like making my costoom. What will you be? When my dad comes home he will bring my grandmother! I am SO happy! I havet seen my grandmother sins montes. All righ my dad is going to be heer eny second now wait wait. Oh darn there not heer I new I never hrde the grath door opning. Whith I thot but no. Sigh you know whishes never come ture. I wish I hadet said that. Darn my magic dint work. I new it hey now I know 2 tinings yay im lerning! I know lots of things! Now need ennything now?  

Yesterday was Haloween. I got lots of candy. And yummy candy. Bursept the butterfinger. I don’t like butterfinger. Do you? Well I don’t. Allright back to the candy. Wait a minet I LOVE candy right so dose that mean I can have 1 just 1. Pleas!!!!!!! Il give you $500 so do I get my candy? Hope so and I mean it! Eeee ichy! Scrach my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh ichy! Just kidding! That’s how I joke people! HAha so funny. Im not even lafing are you? I bet you arnt I bet you $500 for that one.

Start Again

Computer crashed last week. I was up to 18,000 words on my novel. I had backed up in June. So now I have only 11,000 words. Ava and Josie, who have been closely following my progress, were bummed at first, for me. Then Ava’s face lit up: “Mom, now you can come up with something new!” The light in her eyes, the enthusiasm in her voice…well, it was sweet. Of course, my old, decrepit soul inwardly said, “but it was good! I don’t need something new, $#@*$&.”

I shall write in my trusty old notebook from now on. Hire a secretary to type it out, like Natalie Goldberg does. Yeah, right.  I have not been able to bring myself to sit down to write again. It’s so painful.

This afternoon, when the dismissal bell rang, my students found a gecko in my classroom, near the cubbies. It’s a wonder the little thing didn’t get smashed from the children rushing to get their bags. It’s a baby. I took him home, with the plan of setting him free in Usery Park. The girls squealed and named him “Limey” because he has a green band over his eyes. He’s very pretty. With such attachment, how can I free him?  We ran out and foolishly bought $68 worth of equipment for the little guy.  He’s hiding in his coconut shell right now and he’s eaten two small crickets already. The other three are hopping around and I check in to see if he’s eaten another or if a cricket has drowned in the small water bowl. They do that. Geckos and scorpions only eat live crickets.  Whenever I feel guilty for imprisoning him in his terrarium pimped out with fake – but very soft! – grass, small pond, coconut shell, temp and humidity gauges, and heat lamp, I counter my guilt with “well, no one’s gonna eat him in there.”

I hope he doesn’t get sick or die. We’re already so fond of him. Of course, that day will come. Tears will be shed, comfort will be spread, and things will start a new.  It is time to start again. I’ll jot words 11,001-11,400 tomorrow.

1988

Ambition Bird

so it has come to this

insomnia at 3:15am

the clock tolling its engine

like a frog following a sundial

having an electric

seizure at the quarter hour

the business of words keeps me awake

i drink hot cocoa

that warm brown mama

i would like a  simple life

all night i lay

poems in a long box

it is my immortality box

my lay-away plan

my coffin

dark wings

flap in my heart

each an ambition bird

The 2nd Generation Blues

As a mother, I find myself reminiscing about my own childhood throughout the day. I feel a sense of deja vu: something I’m doing with my children (baking cookies), or something I am doing to my children (giving them a bath with Mr. Bubble) and even the dreaded what I’m saying to my children: “Turn that TV down, it’s too loud!”   Was that me or my mother?

One thing about being a 2nd generation Korean-American (or 2nd generation anything with war, famine or devastating plague during the 1st generations’ lives) is that no matter how bad it gets for you, it was always worse for your parents. When my first child was learning to walk and I was pregnant with #2, I would tell my mother I felt nauseous and helping Josie walk was killing me. “What about me? You and your sister, 11 months apart! I was in apartment, no car, no friends, you daddy work all the time, I have not so good English…just me and two babies.”

My parents made my sister, brother and me take all kinds of lessons in our childhood: cello, violin, piano, and martial arts. We took Tae Kwon Do when we had no interest in it. There was no such thing as quitting, either: we were relieved of lessons only after we earned our 1st degree black belts. “Ai goo! You don’t know how lucky you are! Your father had to take Tae Kwon Do then go to military school.” If we whined to our mother at all about having to do extra math homework given to us from our math-and-computer science professor father, we were told to count our blessings, that they did not attend any school for eight years due to the Korean War. “We were dying to go to school! You are lucky. Very lucky.”

Watching TV was a guilty pleasure. “Play outside! Why you watch so much TV?”  We’d watch “The Brady Bunch” and eat potato chips, laughing at Peter’s antics, sympathizing with Jan’s adolescent woes, and mimicking Cindy’s lisp. My mother was cooking lunch or dinner, washing dishes and even on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor while we relaxed. My mother could sew. I didn’t appreciate it then, but she made curtains and  tailored clothes effortlessly.

Decades later, I can’t sew and can make only the most basic Korean foods. What happened? Why didn’t she turn the TV off and teach me these things? Why didn’t I shut it off and ask her to teach me?

Too often, there is a gap, a chasm, a veritable abyss of communication between immigrants and their children. We speak different languages, hold dissimilar values and completely misunderstand each other. Some experts assert that this is a necessary loss in immigration, an unavoidable expense. However, I can’t help but think with just a little more effort on both sides, the losses could be minimized. To have the best of both worlds, now that would be a lucky thing.

The Writing

I’m having a great day of writing! I swore off Facebook, CNN.com and even Oprah to write all afternoon. 7,292 words on the novel thus far and there is no stopping me. I’m feeling good about the content too. I  just have to keep writing every day, keep up this progress.

Maggie cannot contain her enthusiasm about my novel.

I’m learning so much through this exercise. For example, did you know that corporal punishment in South Korean schools was REINSTATED in 1999? I’m also able to write about common themes which seem taboo: lack of paternal affection for sons, climbing the corporate ladder, cultural clashes. More to come…

Perception is Reality

So we’re driving home from Palm Springs. It’s Sunday, June 28th, our 12th anniversary. I want to get home. The car overheated when we drove to the tram. Willey and a new-found buddy from downtown Palm Springs worked on the car Saturday night and it seemed fine, save some slow leaking.

Then we break down. On the I-10, twenty-five miles east of Indio. Mind you, it’s Sunday, all mechanics are at home, watching TV, being with their families. When the car breaks down, it’s 110 degrees outside. We have plenty of water, but it’s hot! Willey and I stew silently. I call the tow truck guy we met at our last stop. I had had an ominous feeling and put his number in my phone.  He says he can “be there in 25 minutes.” 25 minutes?! We could be hit by a car, we could sweat our brains out, we could melt in 25 minutes.

But we wait. A homeless couple of guys in a rented U-Haul truck stop. “We can save you money! It’ll cost you $100 easily with the tow…..we’re good Christians, we help everyone out. But we don’t have any tools. We can fix it for you if you have tools.” We don’t. I make a mental note: keep a tool kit in the car. The guys seem harmless enough. The skinny guy, I could take him. Should we be attacked, my Tae-Kwon Do will kick in (pardon the pun), and a swift round house kick to the gut, he’d fly into the freeway. The other guy, Willey can take him, they’re both over 55. They have an adorable puppy…is that a ploy to get unsuspecting people to trust them? I can hear my mom’s voice “Ai goo, shut the door Caroline! Lock everything!” But I don’t. I play it cool. I watch them with one eye, my other eye on the girls. They’re smiling, watching “Hotel for Dogs” on Willey’s laptop, totally oblivious to the doom and gloom of my mind. I have to smile looking at them. It’s at least 110 in the car and they’re not complaining. They know what’s going on, but they choose to entertain themselves with what is at hand. They laugh. “Look mom! Look at this…” something silly is happening in the movie. The homeless guys leave empty handed. They couldn’t fix it. They return 15 minutes later, with wrenches. They try. It doesn’t

work. I give them $20 for trying. The tow comes 5 minutes later.

We stay in the Holiday Inn and order pizza. The girls go swimming and have more fun. I dry their clothes on the air conditioning vent and unpack toiletries again. Willey loses one day at work and I miss a doctor appointment. The car is fixed by lunch time the next day. The time flew once we began solving a crossword puzzle in the paper. We arrive home at 5:30pm, relieved. Home! We love our home, even with the dining room project covered in plastic, the walls dusted with concrete powder. Maggie jumps up and down and runs in circles.

Happy Anniversary darling.

Happiness…

is coming home from grocery shopping and having your children yell, “MOMMMMYYY!” and they nearly knock you over with their hugs. Happiness is coming home with chocolate cream pie and everyone joyfully eating it after a dinner of pasta and homemade tomato sauce.

I do complain sometimes about the lack of time to myself, but honestly, it’s a joy and a blessing to have this family, to be so busy with taking care of them. Some day, Josie and Ava will be big, driving themselves around, trying to fulfill their goals. I will always have my own goals to fulfill, but for now, a few of them take a backseat.  As a wise sage once said, “You CAN have it all, but just not all at the same time.”

The girls are ready for anything!

Happiness is balance and simplicity.

oh nuts!

I just realized my promise to myself to post a new blog every Friday. How did this happen? It’s almost 10pm, I’m tired and I have AEPA tests all day tomorrow, starting at 8am sharp and here I am writing in a frenzy.

OK. Update on my writing. Most of it was done in my head. Hahahaha! Seriously. I do a lot of thinking about it, but not much on paper. I have been doing journal writing which has helped my mood considerably.  I did make one BIG decision regarding John E. Lee – the focus will be on his life in contrast to his father’s and how they have practically no relationship. It’s going to be difficult, because a man’s relationship to his father is so different from a daughter’s….but I’m excited when I think about it. Some people have suggested I focus on his love life, but I’m not inspired there at all.  Not that he can’t have a love life (he will!) but that won’t be the focus. I hope to have a great short story and then turn it into a novel.  I just have to get it out of my head and on to paper.

Change is Good

OK, so now my story is looking different again. I just started free writing and came up with a new character. The story is quickly becoming one that reveals differences between Korean culture and American culture. My KA character is being confronted by his own shame and racism. It surprised me as I wrote it. I’m still just writing and not sure where it’s going, but I can visualize it as I write: he’s a professional, running the rat race and is unexpectedly “forced” to take on his cousin from Korea, a teenager. Of course, the fact that I have a 17 year old Korean exchange student is speaking to me, but it’s not her. I’ve been inspired by her and ideas sprout from that. I’m excited. This could easily be the short story turned novel turned film!

Holding Pattern

Ava got ill…coughing, hacking, fever. Stayed home. Planned for sub. I’m in a holding pattern with the writing, although I managed to write a couple pages at Starbucks Monday. Forecast: rainy this weekend. Just perfect for writing.

Addendum: heard on NPR “You must write about what you believe in, or it won’t stand up.” (paraphrased)

Monday Feb. 9 – I have a renewed energy and inspiration for writing now. Today’s word: toady. I am beyond being toady with anyone in life. Josie and Ava are on the brink of 100% health. What I do, I do for them.

Time and Money

I wish I had an entire day to write. Actually, to flesh out my characters and get to know them. To dream. I am on the brink! But I need more time. I’m writing notes on index cards, a la Anne LaMott.

On another note, Korean class offered by Korean Cultural Center of Arizona has been cancelled due to low enrollment this spring. I hope it has nothing to do with Mrs. Michelle Kim’s health (she’s the Director of the Center). It’s sad. It’s such a wonderful program and now it will be a major uphill battle (and MUCH more work for me!) to teach the girls Korean. Hopefully, JiMin can help before she leaves in June.

Willey is almost finished with his 1,000 piece puzzle…just in time to pay complete attention to me for Valentine’s Day! I’m going to make a beautiful dinner for the entire family and have the girls (JiMin, Josie and Ava) help me make the dessert. The menu is undecided as of now…

Kisses and Hugs

Willey has a bad cold. Our Valentine’s kisses are limited to quick pecks of the lips. Of course, that’s temporary – he always says “what the heck” and so do I. We share EVERYTHING! The girls are full of energy and are displaced for a few minutes as the heating maintenance man is here, checking the vents. JiMin just woke up. It’s early for her 9am! Being a teenager has some benefits…

My goal is to get a very good idea of my characters today and to write (even if crappy) 300 words. That is LaMott’s prescription. I only have a couple index cards written out.

My Valentine’s present this year was a delicious margarita – Willey makes the best ones. This morning, he made me a cup of coffee.

Being here

Listened to voice recordings of the girls from three years ago. Ava was 2 and Josie was 3. It made me cry, how precious they were and are and how time flies. I got up early to pack them lunches (they love that) and decided I would not raise my voice even once today. I was really “HERE” today, every minute. And you know what? I got so much out of it. Instead of thinking “I have to do laundry, I have to clean the bathroom, I should be writing….” I was really present and felt calm, loving (and dare I say it?)….happy!  This is a secret to writing also, even if you’re not actually writing with pen and paper, you are a writer. I had an intense insight to my story while sitting with the girls…it came effortlessly.

Update: I wrote 302 words last night! Now, for today….Feb. 19th.

Satisfaction

Things that have been satisfying recently:

• Been writing 300 words every morning – OK, almost every morning. Making good progress on “David & Yeunja”, a dramatic modification to my last short story, “John E. Lee.”
• Biore – hubby’s nose. Very satisfying.
• Making the girls’ lunches for tomorrow.
• Running with the dog and walking the girls home from school.
• Passing my two AEPA tests – received official results today. I did MUCH better than I thought I did!
• Receiving my paycheck every other Thursday.
• Making a massage appointment (tomorrow)!
• Waxing my brows.
• Watching Willey play chess with Ava before dinner and….
• Updating this blog!

Humor

It’s something you can lose or forget you have, like that 5 spot in the pocket of your jeans. Weeks might go by without it and when you find it, you’re elated. I laughed tonight reading a friend’s blog. She’s talented and hilarious and I know she must have had some serious hardship and heartbreak in order to earn her humor. I miss her.

I’m procrastinating at the moment. My former Kicking Muse writing cohort from San Francisco asked me to read her manuscript. It’s 492 pages long. It’ll be a nice, easy read…but still, 492 pages long!  It also remind me that I only have a measly 1,200 WORDS in my novel. Pfffffffft! Here goes!

2,408 words

That’s the word count I have on my novel. I am THRILLED when I write 300 words in one day. I’m very happy with the ideas I have on paper so far. It’s amazing how a story develops as you write. The writing process will always satisfy me.

We had a minor tragedy this evening. I told Josie and Ava to clean Ava’s room (they both made the mess) before dinner. Ava emerges 10 minutes later and says, “mom, will you please help me clean my room? Josie isn’t helping me.” I looked around for Josie. Our bathroom door was locked. Willey and Josie were in there, having a serious conversation. I told them that Josie better come out and help her sister clean up! Willey replied, “yes, Caroline, she will. Just give her a minute.” So I did. Then he comes out and tells me that we have a slight tragedy of sorts….Josie has cut her own hair and is extremely upset for two reasons: one, she doesn’t like it. Two, she’s very fearful of my reaction. “So, please, don’t yell at her. She cried a large puddle already.”  I was curious about the new ‘do.

JiMin asked “what’s wrong with Josephine?” I told her what I knew. Ava said, “I saw her. Her hair looks like this”:  she fanned her fingers above her forehead.

Josie ran to her room crying hysterically. I went in and calmed her down. “I don’t want to be punished!” she yelled. “OK, I’m not going to punish you, but you need to have a consequence. Ava cleaned her room all by herself. And I had to help a little bit. You were supposed to help her clean it.”  Josie readily agreed.

“So, I’m giving Ava a magnet.”

“And taking one of mine away?”

“No, you just don’t get one. But you can earn one tomorrow. You’ll have to do something extra to help.”

Josie liked this idea. We then had our curry and read books and did some math (adding three different digits).

Now, I write this blog, my eyes burning from fatigue. It’s not even 9pm yet. I still have to write up my summer school course descriptions for the catalog and email it tonight. Luckily, I wrote my 300 words already.

I’m Back!

Goodness. Sad state of affairs when having our laptop go out of commission completely blindsides your blog!  On top of getting the computer up and running (a complete overhaul was necessary, lost all work), I could not remember my password! But here I am.

Making nice progress on the novel. I visualize it as a movie, which is different for me. I did not write the 300 words today. Somehow, the gym workout always wins over sitting and writing. Being in good physical shape helps me alleviate stress, which is #1 for me and my loved ones!

Went to a 6 year old’s birthday party today. Bowling. 6 year olds have a knack for bowling in slow motion. Amazing. Even they get bored watching the ball roll slowly toward the pins. They look away for awhile and then the adults say, “Look! Look!” just in time to watch the ball mysteriously roll AROUND the pins. Then there is the cake and opening of gifts. Claude loves Star Wars. We had a heck of a time shopping for a boy. What do they like?! You could buy a girl her 90th Barbie and she’d be happy…anything pink and shiny.  But boys….trucks? Action figures? We settled on Star Wars Legos.

Celebrations remind us of milestones. I could not help but think that little kid birthdays could be celebrated within the family alone. I mean, we don’t really know all these people, I don’t even know Claude. Will Claude remember this birthday? When he’s 18 and looking at his Birthday Pin, signed with all the names of children who attended his 6th birthday, will he remember any? What will he feel?

Willey and I will  celebrate our 12th anniversary this year. Maggie turns 9 in August. Supposedly, labs have a life expectancy of 10-12 years.  Looking at Maggie, she looks to be at the top of her game. I refuse to believe she will pass within the next 4 years. Impossible! Ava is about to turn 6. I received a “Kindergarten registration” form from the school and was happy to toss it. We’re over that hump! But there is sweet sadness to it all too. They are so innocent and funny. They hug me indiscriminantly. I pick them up after school and they scream “Mommy!” with wild abandon.I hope above all else that Willey and I will always enjoy a close relationship with them. I don’t want them to shut us out with electronics and slamming doors. I dream of visiting them in college and taking them out for luxurious lunches, getting our nails done, etc. I hope!

This year, we had JiMin with us. What a wonderful, rich experience it has been. We have only one month left and there are so many things I still want to ask her and share with her. We will all feel the loss come June 5th. Her presence and the issues that have arisen from her visit are the direct inspiration for my story. Still, she never exhibited the rebellion I’ve heard of other students displaying: smoking, drugs, drinking, sex, or skipping school. Through tears, frustrations and tons of laughter, we have met our expectations and then shot right through them.

Dreaming of Korea

So we have JiMin, who is a wonderful taste of Korea right in our home. We have conversations regarding Korean customs and her family and the stresses of academic life. We explain things on a daily basis of “The American Way,” and I’m realizing something disconcerting: I want to go to Korea. It’s been 10 years. It’s a real challenge now what with the hubby, jobs, and children. But I really want to go as a family and for a period of time, like 6 months. I’m writing a novel and although it’s wonderful to have JiMin here to ask questions as I conduct research, I need to be there, to smell things, to hear the noises and the language, to sit in on high school classes and drink it all in. How can this happen?

Something Like That

Been in need of levity and I got it. Purchased nice gifts for JiMin’s farewell party and had an impulse buy of red, wax lips. These are awesome! JiMin took great pictures of herself and the girls. They laughed hysterically before the camera. We shall miss JiMin much. She’s been great with the girls, even if she can’t clean to save her life, much less cook!

I’m busy, busy, busy with several projects. I’m preparing for the educational aspect of my career the balance of May and all of June. I’m excited about teaching creative writing and even math (in a non-conventional way) to the little ones. July will be all about the writing. I love my story and am getting great ideas every day. JiMin has played a large role in that. All sorts of issues come out when you share living quarters with a foreign exchange student!

How do you like this face? She’s been doing it all day. Very Margaret Cho!

The important thing is that you live each day as if it could be your last. Josie and Ava are hilarious. Truly.  I love having summers to spend with them and watch them grow and become big people. There was a program on TV about adoption. I asked Ava, “do you know what adoption is?” She replied confidently, “yes, it’s when you give your child away to some people who don’t know how to have babies…or….they look in the tummy to see if it’s there and it’s not, there’s no baby. Or something like that.”  Something like that indeed!  She started so self-assuredly and knew by the end that  maybe it wasn’t all correct. But shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “I’m smart and I know I have the gist of it.” Children have such a simplistic way of looking at things. I love it. As adults, we tend to look at things so seriously, with such finality and solemn sobriety. Puh-lease! And I say this mostly from personal experience…we’re too damn serious! Just play and work and hopefully, your work IS play. We’re paying people to work on our yard. We’ve never paid anyone to do anything in our yard or in our home and you know what? It’s nice.  It’s OK to not do everything yourself.  I’m finally learning that at 40.

I have many things on my “to do” list and they are all important. Yet, they are all unimportant too. Something like that.

Monkey Mind

Monkeying Around

Been dealing with serious monkey mind. Practiced yoga the other day and that helped, but I need to get out of the house in order to write. There are too many distractions here at home. It does not help that I’m trying to simplify the house and so my eyes are constantly surveying things around the house that need to be picked up, organized or disposed of.

In the end, what does it matter? What does any of this matter?

Perhaps I need to stop reading the news. It’s getting me down.

I’m fortunate to have a beautiful family. Willey and I are both employed. We have a home. We have a great dog. Things are wonderful.

Yummy in the Tummy

Went to an Indian restaurant for Father’s Day. Indian cuisine is one of Willey’s favorites. Ava pouted because she loves Mexican – Chilero’s to be exact. Oh well. It’s FATHER’s DAY, we pointed out to her. We’ll go to Chilero’s another time. “The next time,” she made us promise. This 6 year old holds us hostage to her desires. Our children have a way of doing that. Although there were only three tables of guests, the food was slow in coming. Josie complained that she perused my entire book “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” in that time. At last, the food arrived and we weren’t disappointed. It was fantastic. Lamb vindaloo, chicken kabobs (both too spicy for the girls), jasmine rice, and wonderful garlic naan. The girls enjoyed the carb fare while Willey and I feasted on all dishes. It was getting late and the girls are super busy this week with summer school (ceramics, painting, writing (with me) and math (with me)) in the morning and then Boredom Busters in the afternoon until their swim lesson in the evening. Whew! They are loving it though, sure beats watching TV! I had to tear Willey away from the waiter who was listening to how our brother-in-law is Indian and how Willey’s father grew up in India and how Willey could absolutely live on this food forever.

Ava pouted until the dinner arrived (which, I just mentioned took a looooong time in coming). So we gave her the camera and free reign of the place.

From Ava’s point of view

She held a smile back (couldn’t give her parents satisfaction) and started snapping. Willey and I silently worried that she’d drop the expensive camera on the concrete floor, but she didn’t.

Poetry – sort of

Staying at home is dandy

Though I’ve gained weight from

Boredom and candy

Still fun to play – my way – each day

Instead of preparing for work, it’s vacay!

I desire to write, and perchance to dream

In solitude, replete with silence

Three cups of coffee with Splenda and cream

A perfect day for creative thoughts

Yet I can hear the girls’ giggles and talks

My days are busy, it’s true

The dog wants to play – she follows me

But it’s hot! At sunrise it’s 102!

Monkey mind is everywhere

Like the dirty dishes, floors and underwear

Still, I cannot complain

It’s the lack of focus on my part

my utter laziness I disdain

for the blank pages in my notebook

are second to my decision to cook

instilled in my family’s life

are love, fun and connections

I’m a mother, a teacher and wife

Published or not, I know this

I am loved and my life is bliss

Let the Kid Speak

I don’t have much to say these days. So I’ll let my daughter Ava have a few words. She’s been wanting to type her own story these days, while I give her sister Josie violin help. Next week, Josie’s story….Here’s Ava in her own words:

I am 6 years old. The date is 2009. I am in 1 grade. My teacher is Mrs. Jurkowski . who is your techer. My name is Ava. What is your name. I have many friends, their names are Brenna Sidney Sam Abagail Katie and that’s all. You guys can read a lot . I can play the violin. Can you. My birthday is May 23. When is yours. I have 1 sister her name is Josephine she is 7 years old. I was born in 2003. What year were you born in. I don’t know I only know min I don’t even who you are . you don’t know me do you?

This story I spechel. That’s 1 of my seckrets. What is your secret? I don’t know. I aspechily don’t know your secret. How meny people are in your family? I have a lepord geico at home Im at home now typing where are you? I like to make storys. My mom is making a story I think its called… I Do not know acsacly what it is called.
All I know is that shes making a story. And im in it! I am so eksided. I think im going to be great. Don’t you? Well I do … and im going to be a little girl my name is going to be Anna. Well you like it? Hope so. I want to ask you something do you like getting your face painted?

Today is Thursday. Today my grandmother will come. Do you like when your grandmother is coming? And she will go thrik or threeting. I am going to be a salit shaker. And Josie is going to be a pepper shaker. We are making our cotooms! Are you? I like making my costoom. What will you be? When my dad comes home he will bring my grandmother! I am SO happy! I havet seen my grandmother sins montes. All righ my dad is going to be heer eny second now wait wait. Oh darn there not heer I new I never hrde the grath door opning. Whith I thot but no. Sigh you know whishes never come ture. I wish I hadet said that. Darn my magic dint work. I new it hey now I know 2 tinings yay im lerning! I know lots of things! Now need ennything now?

Yesterday was Haloween. I got lots of candy. And yummy candy. Bursept the butterfinger. I don’t like butterfinger. Do you? Well I don’t. Allright back to the candy. Wait a minet I LOVE candy right so dose that mean I can have 1 just 1. Pleas!!!!!!! Il give you $500 so do I get my candy? Hope so and I mean it! Eeee ichy! Scrach my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh ichy! Just kidding! That’s how I joke people! HAha so funny. Im not even lafing are you? I bet you arnt I bet you $500 for that one.